🛑 Disclaimer:

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed here may be fictitious. No identification with actual persons, products, or companies—even a very large nearly nondescript aircraft manufacturer (living or defunct)—is intended or should be inferred.

Dear Consumers, Airline Customers, Shareholders, Regulators, and All Those Willing to Give Us a Chance,

We are thrilled (literally) to announce a bold new direction for our company. It is high time we diversify and secure new revenue streams.

Moving forward, we will continue to design, manufacture, and sell our traditional lineup of airplanes, rockets, missiles, and satellites. But wait—there’s more!

🚨 Introducing Our New, Thrilling Experiences:

✅ Mid-flight plunges
✅ Post-takeoff blow-offs
✅ Exotic safety episodes
✅ Flight control jams

These exciting additions will be available worldwide, ensuring that our customers enjoy a journey like never before.

🔧 Immediate, Drastic Changes – Because Why Not?

The flying public wants new sensations and astonishing experiences. We hear you. And we are fully committed to meeting (or exceeding) expectations.

As we work towards this new goal, we remain prepared for:
🚀 Congressional hearings
🔍 Production setbacks
⏳ Delivery delays
🚔 Multiple federal investigations
🔥 A few sizzling criminal probes

Rest assured, we are squarely, absolutely, and radically focused on safety and transparency.

🛠️ About That Door Plug… Oops?

If a federal investigation suggests that we forgot to put the bolts in the door plug, well, that’s just because we didn’t know we had to.

Had we known, our engineers would have done it—or at least someone else would have.

Further, if we haven’t provided our firm's records documenting the steps taken on the assembly line for the door plug replacement, please rest assured:

📝 Those records don’t exist.

If only we could record everything… we sure would.

🤯 Mid-Flight Plunge? What Mid-Flight Plunge?

It’s regrettable that one of our aircraft:
✈️ Took a sudden dive
🤕 Injured dozens of passengers
📉 Shaved billions off our stock value

What caused the pilot to temporarily lose control?
🤷‍♂️ Still investigating.

What caused our stock to plunge even further?
📉 Market forces. Also, gravity.

But good news:
✔️ The pilot recovered.
✔️ The plane landed safely.
✔️ Everyone has great stories to tell their grandkids.

🛫 The Future: Diversify, Diversify, Diversify!

Yes, the FAA may have flagged some safety issues.
Yes, de-icing problems could cause engine thrust loss.
But that’s all weather-related! 🌪️ Not our fault!

In fact, we see these as exciting opportunities for innovation!

Introducing Our Next Big Idea:

🌪️ Flying through thunderstorms, tornadoes, and atmospheric chaos—at no extra charge!

And that’s just the beginning. We’re working on:
🎢 Thrill rides
🎰 Air-bound casinos
🛫 Amusement flights

No worries. None of our engineers are in charge.

🛑 Fly Any Airline You Want… But Maybe Not Ours?

Rumors that you should avoid our planes because they may not fly are ill-placed.  They sure can fly; it's just that they don't have to. Lots of fun can be had too falling from the sky.

Thank you for your thrust—ahem, trust—as we embark on this exciting new journey (not on a competitor's plane).

🚆 Perfect Timing:

My train has just arrived.