🛑 Why You Shouldn't Be a Freaking Writer (Unless You Really, Really Can't Help It)

Welcome to your intervention. You're thinking about becoming a writer? Grab some coffee (or tequila), and let us save your sanity. Or at least warn it.

📚 1. You Don’t Read Enough. You haven’t read everything. That means classics, Nobel laureates, Hugo and Pulitzer winners, junk, more junk, cereal boxes, all NYT best-sellers, and every screenplay Aaron Sorkin ever sneezed on.

😤 2. Agents Don't Like You. Because they like money. Sell first, then try again.

📉 3. Publishers Don’t Like You Either. Same reason. No agent? No sales? Keep dreaming.

🤖 4. ChatGPT Writes Better. And doesn’t even complain about back pain.

🧠 5. Blogging Doesn’t Count. We said what we said.

📚 6. Self-Publishing Doesn’t Count Either. Unless you move units. Like, a lot of units. Like, JK Rowling by accident.

💤 7. You’ll Only Monetize In Your Dreams. Sleep tight.

🎯 8. Odds of Success? 1% of 1% of 1% of 1%... we stopped counting after the decimal cried.

🪦 9. Legacy? Cool. 99.999999% of legacies are forgotten.

💸 10. Like Financial Instability? You’re gonna love this gig.

🪞 11. Writing About a Writer? It’s just you. Get over it.

🎁 12. You Might Be Good. But are you great?

🔒 13. Social Life? LOL. Welcome to your cave. Population: you and your regret.

🚷 14. Friends Are a Distraction. Romantic partners? Even worse. Solitude is your soulmate.

✍️ 15. Start Writing Already. Thinking isn't writing.

📚✍️📚 16–18. Write. Edit. Repeat. First draft? Great. Now set it on fire and do it again.

🧨 19. Still Not Done. Rework it. Then again. And again. You're never done.

😩 20. Got Self-Doubt? Good. You’ll need it.

🕳️ 21. Procrastinator? Perfect. You’ll fit right in with every other unpublished genius.

🗓️ 22. Too Busy to Write? Then what are we even doing here?

😴 23. Lazy Bastard. You know who you are.

📬 24. Hate Rejections? Too bad. Rejection is the job.

💼 25. Need Another Job to Survive? Welcome to the double life.

💡 26. Got Big Ideas? Prove it. Now. Pitch in 5 seconds.

🧛 27. Don't See the Darkness in Humans? You're not looking hard enough.

🎭 28–30. Characters. Story. Conflict. Nail them or go home.

🚨 31. Where Are the Stakes? What’s the clock? Where’s the tension? What’s the hook? Huh?

🌈 32. Got Imagination? You’ll need it. All of it.

💓 33. Can You Create Empathy? Or is your protagonist just a sad blob?

🎢 34. Can You Pull Emotional Strings? Joy, fear, awe, lust, grief... or just boredom?

🚫 35. Want to Be Famous? Wrong job.

🤑 36. Want to Be Rich? 😂 Good one.

🏠 37. Want to Work From Home? So does everyone with COVID.

🤣 38. Funny? Then why aren’t we laughing?

👀 39. Are You Observant? Eavesdrop like a spy or go back to your cubicle.

💬 40. Can You Sell? Because you'll need to pitch, sell, promote, beg...

📁 41. Proof Is in the Portfolio. Got creds? Awards? Anything?

🗣️ 42. Dialogues? Or is everyone in your story named Exposition?

🎓 43. Fancy Degree? Ain’t gonna write your chapters.

💋 44. Big Vocabulary? Snubbery doesn’t sell.

🕵️ 45. Anyone Ever Tried to Plagiarize You? No? Maybe there's a reason.

✂️ 46. Less Is More. After months of writing, you’ll finally realize: delete half.

🔋 47. Shameless. Relentless. Disciplined. Got all three? Maybe you’ve got a chance.

⚖️ 48. Know Your Rights? Copyright law ain’t just fine print.

📚 49. Billions of Books. Why yours?

💪 50. Perseverance. No punchline. Just do it.

🎬 51. Bonus Round: You Still Want In? Then congratulations — you're doomed, beautiful creature. And we respect the hell out of you. ❤️

💬 Final Thought: Writing sucks. But not writing? That’s worse. And that’s exactly why you’re here.

🖋️ Keep going, masochist. We’re rooting for you. Sort of. 😉