So, you've decided to take up gardening. Congratulations! You’re about to enter a world of uncontrollable plant shopping, soil-stained clothes, and an ever-growing collection of tools you didn’t even know existed. But hey, at least you’ll have fresh tomatoes, a yard full of butterflies, and a newfound rivalry with that squirrel who won’t stop stealing your strawberries.

But where to start? Here’s your ultimate funny-but-actually-useful gardening guide to get your green thumb (or at least one slightly green fingernail) going! 🌿

📖 Top Three Reads to Get You Started (or Confused)

1️⃣ "The Drunken Botanist" by Amy Stewart – Because if plants can make alcohol, maybe they know something we don’t.
2️⃣ "The Vegetable Gardener’s Bible" by Edward C. Smith – It’s got "Bible" in the title, so it must be legit.
3️⃣ "Braiding Sweetgrass" by Robin Wall Kimmerer – A poetic blend of natural science and indigenous wisdom—because plants and people have more in common than we think.

🐶 Top Three Pet/Rookie Gardening Projects

(For when you want to start small before committing to a full-fledged farm.)

🌱 Herb Garden: Start with something low-maintenance like basil, mint, or rosemary—also great if you like pretending to be a fancy chef.

🍅 Tomatoes in Pots: They grow anywhere, produce like crazy, and make you feel like an actual farmer. (Just prepare for some unexpected mutant-sized ones.)

🌼 Wildflowers: Scatter seeds, ignore them, and enjoy a butterfly rave party in a few months. Zero effort, all reward!

📲 Top Three Gardening Apps (Yes, There’s an App for That)

1️⃣ PictureThis – Take a photo of any plant and the app tells you what it is. (Oh, that’s NOT basil? Oops.)
2️⃣ Planta – Reminds you to water your plants because, let’s be honest, you’ll forget.
3️⃣ iNaturalist – Helps you identify the critters visiting your garden, so you can tell if that bug is friend or foe (or just plotting against you).

⚠️ Top Three Risks – Be Aware!

🚜 Injury: Kneeling, digging, and lifting bags of soil WILL turn you into an unintentional fitness enthusiast. Stretch first, unless you want to garden like a T-Rex the next day.

🐌 Garden Thieves: Your crops are not yours alone. Squirrels, rabbits, and slugs will thank you for the free buffet.

🌵 Overconfidence: You’ll start with "just a few plants" and end up with a backyard that rivals the Amazon rainforest.

🏪 Top Three Stores for Gardeners

1️⃣ Local Garden Centers – Support small businesses! Also, these places have secret gardening wizards working there.
2️⃣ Home Depot / Lowe’s – Where you go for soil and leave with 12 extra things you didn’t plan on buying.
3️⃣ Online (Amazon, Burpee, Gardener’s Supply Co.) – Because sometimes, you just want to impulse-buy seeds at 2 AM.

🔨 Top Three (Million) Tools – Because It’s a Project!

1️⃣ Gloves: Because your hands deserve protection from thorns, bugs, and whatever mystery substance is in the soil.
2️⃣ Trowel: A tiny shovel that makes you feel powerful.
3️⃣ Pruning Shears: For trimming, shaping, and occasionally pretending you’re a ninja.

(Bonus: There are about 9,748 other tools you’ll "need" at some point, but these will get you started.)

🏛️ Top Three Museums for Gardeners

1️⃣ Missouri Botanical Garden (USA) – One of the oldest botanical gardens in the U.S., where plants are basically royalty.
2️⃣ Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew (UK) – This is where plants go when they’ve made it in life.
3️⃣ Singapore Botanic Gardens (Singapore) – So lush, so green, so humid… but worth every step!

🌎 Top (Let’s Call It 10) Gardens to Visit in the U.S. or the World

1️⃣ Butchart Gardens (Canada) – Like stepping into a painting.
2️⃣ Keukenhof (Netherlands) – Tulips, tulips, tulips!
3️⃣ Brooklyn Botanic Garden (USA) – Springtime cherry blossoms? Yes, please.
4️⃣ Versailles Gardens (France) – Where gardening meets royalty.
5️⃣ Claude Monet’s Garden (France) – The inspiration behind the Water Lilies paintings.
6️⃣ Longwood Gardens (USA) – Massive, mesmerizing, and filled with fountains.
7️⃣ Desert Botanical Garden (USA) – Who knew cacti could be so photogenic?
8️⃣ Jardim Botânico (Brazil) – Stunning rainforest vibes in the middle of Rio.
9️⃣ Portland Japanese Garden (USA) – Tranquility in the form of bonsai and waterfalls.
🔟 Nong Nooch Tropical Botanical Garden (Thailand) – A garden AND an elephant show? As long as the elephants are well taken care of and happy, count us in.

🐦 How to Attract Butterflies, Birds, and Other (Mostly) Welcome Guests

🦋 Butterflies: Plant milkweed, coneflowers, or lavender. Also, butterflies love if you stand outside dramatically, pretending you’re in a nature documentary.

🐦 Birds: Install a feeder, birdbath, or a luxury five-star bird Airbnb (aka a birdhouse).

🐿 Squirrels: Leave out nuts. But be warned: Once you befriend one squirrel, you now have 100 new roommates. And don’t be surprised when nature’s food chain shows up to collect rent.

🐻 Bears: No. Just no.

🌿 Top Three Collateral Passions to Develop Alongside Gardening

1️⃣ Beekeeping – Because why stop at just feeding the bees when you can start collecting rent?
2️⃣ Painting Outdoors – Monet did it. Why not you?
3️⃣ Growing Fruits & Veggies – Fresh tomatoes, homemade jam, and a new reason to yell at squirrels.

🌸 Top Three Quotes About Gardening

1️⃣ "To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow." – Audrey Hepburn
2️⃣ "Gardening adds years to your life and life to your years." – Unknown
3️⃣ "Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." – A.A. Milne

🌻 Final Thoughts – Just Get Digging!

Gardening is therapeutic, rewarding, and just chaotic enough to keep life interesting. Whether you’re growing food, flowers, or just providing a habitat for a gang of rowdy squirrels, you’re creating something beautiful (or at least entertaining).

And if it all fails? Just tell everyone you were "experimenting" with natural landscaping. 🌱😂

Happy gardening!